Friday, August 12, 2011

What do I do with my life?

Alright, it's 1:30 AM and I'm stimmed as **** on dexamphetamine, I have several hours before my school starts but I need to write a really long paper, due today. So, sure, I don't have the best judgment, but I have potential. I got my IQ tested last summer, it's up into the 150s in Wechsler now, 99.98+ percentile. So if I have motivation, I can succeed easily. But the fact of the matter is that my 17-year-old brain simply cannot find any value within itself that would cause it to focus on this paper. I see no real goal to accomplish by doing so. How do I motivate myself? I don't care about my grades for their own sake, I don't get this supposed "feeling of satisfaction" that others get from finishing schoolwork. I understand the abstract principle that if I work now I will end up with more money, but that really isn't doing anything for me right now, despite my rational comprehension of its importance. And I don't want to live some idyllic '50s suburbia cliche, mundane things don't interest me. To be honest, I've ended up pretty damn psychopathic as my teenage years have progressed, although my parents have me go to a psychologist and I am trying to learn attachment. But for the time being, what kind of life could a person like me aspire to? What concrete end can I get out of this? If I became a rich lawyer (I've taken practice LSAT sections for the hell of it and aced them hahaha) what, specifically, would I even do with the money? I'd even help society if I got to do it in a cool/exciting job. Dammit, what am I supposed to live for?

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